Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
