I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
