Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
