and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
