If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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