She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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