There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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