time to smoke my breakfast
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
