I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
