The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
