Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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