There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
