FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
