I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
