mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
