I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
