You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
