So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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