I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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