Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
