idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
