the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
