Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
we should paint friendship bongs
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
