I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
