at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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