Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
