never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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