after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
This is my gift to your gina
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
