Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
