i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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