Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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