just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize