It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
