you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
