Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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