Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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