I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
And then he peed in my hair
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