does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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