"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
