I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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