just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
This beer is not sobering me up at all
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
