The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
