i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
