In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
