The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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