you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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