I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
