omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
