This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
