I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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