i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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