Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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