does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
