She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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