I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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