even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
