i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just forgot I was standing up.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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