take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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