every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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