toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
