if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
