I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
