Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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