I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
