Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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