He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
