Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
