he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
