Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
